#2115
[PM] Skully, you're a jerk!
Date: 04/25/2002
From: PharaohMobius
<<<Argument Mode>>>
[Skully] No way! *You're* the jerk! Only a jerk would yell at me for drinking the beer you leave out for everyone else to drink!
[PM] I yell at you because when *you* drink it, it ends up all over the floor!
[Skully] Oh, that's a low blow! You know I can't help that! I don't have an esophagus!
[PM] Then *maybe* you shouldn't be DRINKING ANYTHING!
[Skully] I don't have to take this abuse! I'm out of here!!! [He rolls out of the room.]
[PM] Go ahead! Leave, Skully! You're dead to me, you understand! Dead to me! Well, technically you're a ghost, so you were already dead. But you know what I mean!!!1!
[Minutes later, Rick enters the room, followed by a man with a severe black suit and a doctor's bag.]
[Rick] Right this way, Doc. This is the pat-- I mean, my boss, Pharaoh Mobius. Boss, this here's Doctor Ottenbottom.
[PM, suspiciously.] Hello. Rick, why did you call a doctor? I've been healthy as a horse for a long time.
[Dr. Ottenbottom, chuckling consescendingly.] I don't think you understand, Mister Mobius. I am a psychologist.
[PM] A head shrinker? Rick, why would you call a shrink on me?
[Rick] Because of your "friend," boss. You know, the one that none of the rest of us can see.
[PM] Oh, thanks a lot, Rick. Make me look crazy, why don't you?
[Rick] I did it 'cause I'm worried about you, boss!
[Dr. Ottenbottom] It's all right, Mister Blaine. Leave us alone, and I'll see to it that it all turns out well. [Rick leaves] So, Mister Mobius. Rick tells me you have a friend that you talk to that no one else can see?
[PM, angrily] I don't have any imaginary friends.
[Dr. Ottenbottom] Of course you don't, Mister Mobius. But tell me about your friend, Skully, I think you called him?
[PM] There is no Skully.
[Dr. Ottenbottom] Are you sure, Mister Mobius? Your employees tell me that you've been talking to someone named Skully.
[PM] I don't know anyone named Skully. I don't even like the name Skully.
[Dr. Ottenbottom] That's not what your employees sai--
[PM] Listen, that bunch of knobs frankly would have a hard time finding their hinders with both hands and a flashlight. And if they keep talking about people that don't exist, they're going to find themselves fired!
[Dr. Ottenbottom] Ooookay. So, err... what is it you do for a living?
[PM] I'm a mad scientist, mostly. Want to see my brain in a jar collection? I'm *always* looking for another brain for my collection, you know... [He looks poinedly at Ottenbottom's cranium.]
[Dr. Ottenbottom pales.] Ummm... okay. I see no problem here. You seem perfectly normal to me. [He gets up hurriedly.] Well, I must be going. No! No, you don't have to show me out, I can find the exit myself.
[He rushes to the door, and encounters Rick.] Your employer seems perfectly fine to me, Mister Blaine. I would appreciate it if you didn't waste my time by calling me to examine this man ever again! Goodbye! [He runs for the exit.]
[Rick looks at PM for a moment, then shakes his head and goes back to the bar.]
[PM] Heh heh heh... gets 'em every time.
[Skully enters.] Hey, Mobius. I wanted to say I'm sorry for what I said before. I know I tend to make a mess when I drink.
[PM] No, I want to apologize to you, Skully. I was out of line for yelling at you. Say! I've got an idea! Why don't we go get a drink? I've got a way that you can drink *and* not spill all over! [He goes to the closet and returns with a dishpan. PM and Skully share a too-hearty laugh.]
TmPM
Whew! Friends again!
Sarcophagus!
#2116
(Mickey breaks an expensive vase)
Date: 04/28/2002
From: MickeyTheGardener
<<<SMAAAAASH MODE>>>>
Rimmi: Mickey!!!!
Mickey (Holding lamp pieces): Um, I didn't do it!!
Tork: You liar, you!!!!
Rimmi: Yeah. Welcome back.
Jimmy: Bam!
Rimmi: Oh crap. Is he still here?
Mickey: Um....no
Jimmy: Are you ever going to let me join GROPE or what? It feels like I've been here a month.
Rimmi: OK, huddle.
Tork: Hey, who died and made you boss?
Mickey: Well, Lita did a couple of times...Now shutup and get huddling.
(huddle)
Rimmi (talks softly) OK, I say we ju...(normal voice) You're not invited Jimmy!
Jimmy: Fine! I'll just go into my own huddle, and you're not invited, so there!
Tork (quiet voice): Geez, what a baby!
Mickey (quiet voice): Takes one to know one.
Rimmi (quiet voice) *ahem* Ladies, stop fighting. We've got a serious decision to make.
Mickey (quiet voice): Sorry. Continue?
(Probably not seeing as how Evil Mike just walked in to headquarters)
Tork: Eek! (Runs off)
Mickey: Geez Tork! Take it like a man! (EM punches Mickey) See?!
Rimmi: Oh, hi! Where's Lita?
Evil Mike: Who? What, I don't know, I just got here, no thanks to your car, might I add.
Rimmi: Hey, it gets me to where I need to go.
Evil Mike: Yeah...just keep telling yourself that.
Rimmi: *sniff* Just because my car, doesn't have eight legs *sniff* doesn't make it a bad car!
Evil Mike: Yes it...Lita!!! I...um, I wasn't doing anything!
(Yup, Lita just walked in....and so did Gramps, well actually, he tried, but he fell asleep as soon as he came in, which is why he doesn't have lines in this reply)
Lita: Oh, you! (sees Jimmy) Is he still here?
Mickey: Um....no.
Tork (walks back in): Lita, Rimmi was making decisions while you weren't here!!!!!
(Mickey slaps Tork around with a large trout)
Rimmi: Huh....where does he keep getting those?
Mickey: Trouts of Beverly Hills.
Lita: Well, I guess we could let him join.
Jimmy: Yay!
Lita:....if!
Jimmy: Oh, dear lord....
Lita: You spend a night alone in a haunted house!
Evil Mike: Oh come on! I thought you'd come up with something good!!!!
Lita: It IS good.
Jimmy: Fine. Where is this house of haunts?
(Rimmi whispers something to Mickey)
Mickey: Ooooooh....I'll take you there, Jimmy!!!!
Jimmy: Neat!
Mickey: Yes,,,neat.
(Jimmy and Mickey leave)
Lita: They better not scratch Spidey.
Rimmi: Oh don't worry your becrowned head off...they're taking my car.
Evil Mike: Oh...this is going to take a while.
Lita: So, where is this place?
Rimmi: An office building.
Evil Mike: What's so haunted about an office building outside the stench of work?
Rimmi: It's built over one of MSTBlanca's old locations.
Tork: So?
Rimmi: The MSTBlanca location that was an Indian Burial Ground.
Tork: Native American Burial Ground.
Rimmi: You know, 13 other ghosts?
Tork: Where? Gah! (runs off again)
Lita: Sounds good. You know, you'd make a great GROPE second in command.
Rimmi: I kn..I mean, really? I accept the position!
The Bespectacled Mickey T. Gardener
Bboard Nice Guy
President of the I Hate Dawn Club
Post Narc x3
Awww...what's Rimmi so afraid of?
#2117
Still up to no good.
Date: 04/28/2002
From: ServoTheGreat
<<<<<Evilish Mode>>>>>
Servo The Fink, walks up to an old office building. He stands in front of it, with an eye patch over his left eye, a cast on his right leg, and his right arm is in a cast and sling... cause you know... he fell out of a speeding car...
STF: Yes, I think this is the right office building. Where Mayor Fishback's Speachwriter is at. I'll replace his speech with this one. (shot of the speech, it says nothing but, "Servo The Fink is you ruler" over and over again.) When the Mayor reads it, everyone will be brainwashed... if they're very gullible.
(enters building, but doesn't realize it's the THE HAUNTED OFFICE BUILDING!!!)
STF: Now, where is his office. (wanders around, the obviously abandoned building for about half an hour)
STF: Hmmm... This may be the wrong building...
(Then suddenly an arm crashes out from the wall behind him, and pulls him through the wall)
STF: AAAAAH!!!
(STF then pushes all the pieces of asbestos and dry wall of him, to see the who pulled him through. It's some guy dressed in leather.)
STF: Oh no, it's a Hell's Angel!
Vampire: Fool! I'm a vampire(looks like one from 'Blade')!!! What are you doing in my building?
STF: Vampire, eh? This may be better than my hypno speech. Yes... Vampire, how would you like to join my army of evil?
Vampire: Army of evil? Who's in it?
STF: Well, there was a Ground Hog and the AFLAC duck... but they're on vacation in Vegas.
Vampire: Doesn't sound very evil...
STF: Are you kinding me! Their leader, which is me, is the evil master mind... SERVO THE FINK!
Vampire: Who?
STF: Don't worry, when I finally do something big, you'll know me!
Vampire: Ya know, I don't have time for this. How about I just kill ya, and drink your blood.
STF: Gaaaah! Wait... um... I can give you... um... THE ADDRESS OF A DRY CLEANER THAT'LL ACTUALLY CLEAN LEATHER!
Vampire: Really!? I can never find one that'll do that. I always have to do it myself. You wouldn't believe how hard it is to get blood out of...
STF: Yeah, whatever... So will you help me conquer the world?
Vampire: Sure, what the hell.
STF: Excellent. For our first plan of evil we will capture Bob Saget(sp?).
Vampire: I think people would be happy if we did that.
STF: Alright then... No kidnapping plans. How about we turn the world into vampire zombies that will only follow our orders!
Vampire: Yeah, that's pretty good.
STF: Now, let's go make a vampire virus thingy to infect people with. I have a junior chemistry set at my apartment. It probably survived the explosion.
(later at the crater which was STF's apartment)
STF: Okay, let's look though the manual here... Hmm... sulfur, carbon, oh here it is Vampire Virus! Let's get to work Vampire Guy!
Vampire: Please, call me Bob.
Oh no! Something truely evil is going on! What fate awaits the world! Findout next time!
ServoTheGreat
#2118
Driving, driving, driving
Date: 04/29/2002
From: MickeyTheGardener
See the USA in a Chevrolet
Jimmy: A haunted house. Yippee!!!
Mickey: Aw, man...I miss the MST Haunted House.
Jimmy: Was it really scary?
Mickey: Sometimes! Like that one night Lucinda was there! Ick!
Jimmy: (Looks out the window) Hey, isn't that that guy?
Mickey: Oh yeah! Servo the Funk! Who's that pale guy with him?
Jimmy: My Jimmy sense is tingling!
Mickey: Oh boy...that didn't sound right.
Jimmy: It's a vampire!!!
Mickey: It is? Well, I hope Servo the Mink realizes it's the middle of the day.
(Meanwhile)
Bob: Ack!!!!!!!!!!! (Catches on fire)
STF: OH!!! Sorry about that (Throws blanket on Bob)
(Back to that oh exciting driving scene)
Jimmy: Shouldn't we do something?
Mickey: Eh, I'll tell Rimmi about this when I go back. She seems to know a lot about this stuff.
Jimmy: Good. Vampires give me the creeps. Do you think they'll be some there?
Mickey: Probably.
Jimmy: Eek!
(They arrive at the Haunted House)
Jimmy: Hold me!
Mickey: Um...no (drives off)
The Bespectacled Mickey T. Gardener
Bboard Nice Guy
President of the I Hate Dawn Club
Post Narc x3
Boy that was a lousy ending.
#2119
[Jimmy] Oh, I hate haunted houses!
Date: 04/29/2002
From: JimmyMobius
<<<Scary! Mode>>>
[Jimmy] They're always so... haunted!
[Jimmy walks through the dark, spooky hallway. He turns the corner into an open office area, and...]
[Jimmy gasps.] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
[Narrator] What did Jimmy see? Could this be the end of our hero? We'll return to the exciting adventures of Captain Jimmy Mobius of the Justice Rangers after this commercial message!
***********************************************************
[The scene opens to a city street, where all of the people are walkng around in a daze. All except for one person, that is. That one person is wearing a purple lab coat, a green cape, and a very complicated metal headband-thingie with wires and light bulbs all over it. It's none other than the nefarious criminal mastermind, Syncro DeMayo!]
[SD] I, the nefarious Syncro DeMayo, have syncronized the brainwaves of everyone in this city to my own!
[Random City Dweller] Must... serve... master... Syncro...
[SD] Now that I rule the city, I'll soon have the resources to build a Syncronitron big enough for me to RULE THE WORLD!
[Jimmy Mobius] Not so fast, Syncro DeMayo!
[SD] *gasp* Captain Jimmy Mobius of the Justice Rangers! Attack him, my slaves!
[The townspeople attack him.]
[Jimmy] Too many! Cant... fight them all! And I don't want to hurt them, they're innocent people? Gotta think fast...
[Jimmy produces a handful of pre-packaged fruit pies and throws them at Syncro.]
[Jimmy] Have some tasty Sarcophagus Fruit Pies, Syncro! They're sure to occupy your mind!
[Syncro] Delicous Sarcophagus Fruit Pies! In cherry, blueberry, and peach flavors! I can never get enough of these!
[Townspeople] Mmmmm... Fruit Pies... [They turn on Syncro, beat the crap out of him, and take his fruit pies.]
[Police Officer, as two other officers drag away the horribly beaten Syncro DeMayo] Thanks for destroying that bozo's machine and saving the city, Captain Mobius! [He takes a bite of fruit pie.]
[Jimmy, with a bite of pie in his mouth.] Dawnph phamk meeph, phanmk Pharmkphagmph Phrmph Pmmmph!
[Police Officer] Huh?
[Jimmy] Imph phmaid, dawmnph mmmph-- d'oh!!!
[Jimmy and officer share a too-hearty laugh.]
************************************************************
[Narrator] And now, back to Captain Jimmy Mobius of the Justice Rangers!
[Jimmy] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Somebody left the onion dip out! It's totally molded over now! Blah!
[Duo, unobserved by Jimmy, floats through the ceiling.] Hey, Quatro!
[Quatro] What?
[Duo] We got a real flinchy dink runnin' around downstairs. What say we give 'im a good scare?
[Quatro] I've got a better idea. Let's call up all of our ghost friends so's we can give him a *real* scare!
[Duo] Good idea! Glad I thought of it! [Quatro draws back his hand teasingly, as if to backhand Duo.] Lemme get on the phone and start callin'. [He picks up the phone.] Hey, Skully? No? Well get Skully on the line. [Waits for a minute, humming.] Skully?
[PM, on the other end.] Hello? Oh, you want *Skully!* Rick, he says he wants Skully. Why didn't you give the phone to him? [Pauses a moment.] Oh right, like you can't see him. We need to get your eyes ch-- Oh, sorry. Skully's here now.
[Skully] Yeah.
[Duo] Skully! Long time no scream!
[Skully] Yeah! Say, how'd you know I changed my name?
[Duo] Eh, I heard it over the Aether-Net. Yuck! Yuck! Yuck! [He laughs.]
[Skully] Yuck is right. Anyway, what can I do you for?
[Duo] We got us a real live one up here at the haunted office tower. Wanna get in on it?
[Skully] Sure! I haven't had a good scare in... well, a few weeks now, anyway.
[Duo] Great! See ya soon, Skully! [He hangs up and dials another number.] Precocious! How'd you like to get outta that dump you've been haunting for awhile and party down on this chump we got here...
[Narrator] How will our hero fare against this glowering gaggle of ghosts? Find out in the next installment of Captain Jimmy Mobius of the Justice Rangers!!!]
Jimmy Mobius
For Justice!!!
#2120
Nice Spidey!
Date: 04/29/2002
From: Tork_110
Tork: That's a good giant spider!
Lita: What are you doing?!
Tork: I'm feeding Spidey.
Lita: I thought you were scared of him.
Tork: I'm trying to be friends with him. Watch.
<Tork pets Spidey. Well, actually he hesitantly attempts to touch Spidey. After several minutes, he pretends to pet Spidey and quickly gets away from him.>
Tork: See?
Lita: Oh please! Hey...you aren't trying to poison him before the Wacky Races, are you?
Tork: Of course not, I bought these delicious bugs myself. Want to see?
<Tork shows Lita a bucket of various insects. It's gross, so I'm not going to describe it.>
Lita: Ewwww. Put that away. You're feeding him to much. He might be too sleepy to race.
<Tork pinches himself really hard.>
Tork's brain: Must...hold back...diabolical...laugh.
Tork_110
I can't wait!!!
#2121
[PM] Aww, do you have to go, Skully?
Date: 04/29/2002
From: PharaohMobius
<<<Parting Scene Mode>>>
[Skully] I'm afraid so, Mo. Hey, I'm a poet and I didn't know it! Anyway, some of my ghost buddies called me up for this big scare party, and it sounds too good to pass up.
[PM] Dang it! I wanted you to come along for the Wacky Race! I could really use your help!
[Skully] Oh, I'll be back! And maybe in time for your little race thing, too!
[PM] Well, okay. Since it means so much to you. Heh, who are you guys gonna be scaring, anyway?
[Skully] I'm not sure, Duo didn't say.
[PM] Duo? He isn't one of the... 13 Other Ghosts, is he?
[Skully laughs.] Yeah, why?
[PM] Nothing. I used to know them. Small world, I guess.
[Skully] Yeah. Anyway, I'd better get rollin'. I'll see you later, Mo! [Skully rolls toward the wall, then through it.]
[PM] Bye, Skully! [He sits by himself for a minute.] Dang, it seems so long since I met Skully, I can't imagine doing anything without him. Oh well, I guess I'll try hanging out with... what were those guys' names again? Oh well. [He gets up and goes to the next room. He waves to Sam, Buffalo, Rick, and Nick.] Hi, guys.
[Sam] Well well well, look who's here. It's Senior Wences! [In a high-pitched, funny voice, moving hand like a mouth.] Hi, PM! How's it going? [In normal voice] Hello, Skull-head, my friend no one but me can see. How are you?
[All but PM laugh.]
[PM] Hey! That's not funny...
[Nick] You mean like it wasn't funny how you've ignored us for three weeks now?
[PM] Rick, I had no idea you were taking it so hard...
[Rick] *I'm* Rick, boss. That schmoe's name is Nick.
[Dumbschmoe] Don't compare me to him! Hmmph! Now I'm outraged!
[Rick] Sorry, Schmoe. Let me rephrase that: That *sap's* name is Nick.
[Dumbschmoe] Better. FW!
[Nick] Hey! I resent that!
[Dumbschmoe] Shut up, chin man! You're Fredo to me!
[Nick] Shutting up!
[PM] Anyway, why didn't you guys say something? You could have hung out with me and Skully.
[Sam] *Skully* was the problem, Big Daddy!
[Buffalo] Yeahman, whah y'all wanna go tawlkin' ta thin ahr lahk thayat's beyond me, s'lahk, real spooky-lahk, man.
[PM] Sam! Did you forget to give Guffalo his Anti-Boomhauer medication?
[Sam] Well, it's not like you've been around to remind me, you turkey!
[PM, shouting.] Sit on it, you nerd!
[An uneasy silence fills the air. The tension in the air is palpable. Sensing this, and realizing that he needs to do something about it fast, he puts up his hands in a commanding gesture.]
[PM] Sam! Buffalo! Nick! Get yourselves over to Hanger Bay 7 and start prepping the Big Rig for the Wacky Race coming up!
[Sam, Buffalo, and Nick snap to attention.] Yes sir! [They exit.]
[PM] Rick! Mix up a pitcher of The Judgement of Anninias, and have all taps, bottles, jugs, and kegs on standby! Especially make sure we've got plenty of Battle Booze and Old Kentucky Shark on hand!
[Rick, smiling.] Will do, chief.
[PM] Schmoe!
[Dumbschmoe] Yes?
[PM] Good to see you buddy! Glad you could stop by! Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a vehicle to prep!
[Dumbschmoe] See you later! No socks!
[PM] No socks indeed, my friend. No socks indeed. [He exits.]
[Rick] It's good to have the boss back to normal.
[Schmoe] Yeah sure, whatever. Give me another, barkeep.
The mad Pharaoh Mobius
Vice Prez of the Mr T Fan Club
Sergeant At Arms of the I Hate Dawn Club
GTHAMB Band Tuba Player
New Wacky Race! I can hardly wait! =)
Sarcophagus!
#2122
REPLYING!
Date: 04/29/2002
From: TPFKAM
WEEWEE
#2123
REPLYING!!
Date: 04/29/2002
From: TPFKAM
WEEWEE
#2124
REPLYING!!!
Date: 04/29/2002
From: TPFKAM
WEEWEE
#2125
REPLYING!!!!
Date: 04/29/2002
From: TPFKAM
WEEWEE
#2126
REPLYING!!!!!
Date: 04/29/2002
From: TPFKAM
WEEWEE
#2127
ACK! A spammer!!!
Date: 04/29/2002
From: ServoTheGreat
Replies aren't supposed to be wasted like this! You'll ruin the record!
STOP THIS IMMEDIATELY, AND LEAVE!!!
#2128
Just ignore it, STG.
Date: 04/30/2002
From: Carmelita9000
.............................................................
He wants you to get pissed off.
Lita
#2129
I gotcha, Lita*wink*... I mean...
Date: 04/30/2002
From: ServoTheGreat
What SPAM?
#2130
<Rimmi is chasing Lita around the Lair.>
Date: 05/01/2002
From: Carmelita9000
.............................................................
<She's got her sword out, and she's pissed!>
Lita: AAAHHH!11!! Rimmi! Stop! I didn't mean to!!11
Rimmi: You didn't *mean* to???
<Lita ducks just in time as Rimmi swings her sword. The sword slices the draperies pretty thoroughly, but Lita is unharmed.>
Lita: I mean, it wasn't my fault!!
<It should be noted now, that the reason nobody is trying to break up the fight is simple. Tork is too absorbed in his own problems with Lita's clones and Nuveena, gramps is still passed out drunk on the floor, Mickey's right in the middle of another bowl of soup, and Evil Mike likes to watch girls fight.>
Rimmi: What do you mean it wasn't your fault?? You're the one who said it!!
Lita: But...
<Lita hides behind the couch. Rimmi slices it in two.>
Lita: Hey! You're paying for that!
Rimmi: You said I'd make a great GROPE second in command. *Second* in Command??
Lita: Rimmi! I'm sorry! I didn't mean it! I know we've always been equal in this whole revenge thing! If anybody's second in command, it's all the rest of these losers!
<Tork, Mickey, and Evil Mike all give Lita a glare before going back to what they were doing. Lita runs just as Rimmi's about to get her with the sword again.>
Rimmi: Really, Lita! How could you demote me like that!? What gives you the authority?!
Lita: Nothing! I didn't do it! I swear!
Rimmi: <Chasing close behind Lita> Really? Who did?
Lita: <quickly, just as she runs past Mickey> Mickey'stheonewhowrotethereply!!
Mickey: Lita! Shut up!
Rimmi: Mickey?!
Mickey: Ack! No!!
<Rimmi, sword raised threateningly, tackles Mickey.>
Lita
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Hamburglar Club
Vice Prez of the Draco Malfoy Fan Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Dawn Club
Winner of the Coveted Forrester Cup
#2131
How odd!!!
Date: 05/01/2002
From: MickeyTheGardener
I never got back from dropping Jimmy off...
But ok, I'll bite
************************************************************
Mickey: (smiling fiendishly) You know what?
Rimmi: WHAT?
Mickey: Boy I hate swords...I never wa...
Rimmi: You wouldn't!
Mickey: (Still smiling) Try me!
Rimmi: Oh...blah (Untackles Mickey<----Yeah I considered writing Gets Off Mickey, but I thought better of it)
Mickey: Now, I saw Servo the Skunk hanging out with a vampire at the wreckage of his apartment. I figured you could take care of that.
Rimmi: Oh? Who died and made you bo...I mean, second in command? (Glares at Lita)
Mickey: Because I saw it first. Geez! Women! I'm going out of town for a while. I'll return when things are less hostile (As Mickey leaves, he dumps his bowl of soup on Evil Mike's head)
Lita: Huh. What's with him?
The bespectacled Mickey T. Gardener
And all those other things I don't feel like writing.
Yeah, there was a lot of anger in this reply. Bite me.
#2132
<Lita sneaks up behind Mickey>
Date: 05/03/2002
From: Carmelita9000
...........................................................
<Sneak, sneak, sneak! Mickey doesn't even know she's there! When she's riiiiight behind Mickey....>
Lita: BLAH!!!1!1!!
<Lita runs away, giggling maniacally>
Lita
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Hamburglar Club
Vice Prez of the Draco Malfoy Fan Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Dawn Club
Winner of the Coveted Forrester Cup
#2133
Woohoo! I won the Wacky Rac...oh.
Date: 05/04/2002
From: ArmoredMickey
:o)
#2134
<stops in the post
Date: 05/06/2002
From: AngelsVanODeath
<The Angels are driving home from the race. Their van is in ruins -- it's barely mobile. Everyone is low-key and pensive while Terry teaches Trish how to drive.>
Elaine: Terry, are you sure that's wise? She could really do some damage.
Terry: Elaine, come on. The van's been trashed. What harm could she possibly do?
Elaine: Well, for one, she could shoot off the emergency power thrusters that are hidden under the chassis..... <pause> why is everyone looking at me....?
April: Elaine, we have emergency power thrusters and we didn't use them in the race?
Elaine: Well.... no, we didn't. They were our last ones, I didn't think we should use them up!
Terry: It wasn't your decision to make, Elaine! We could've won the race with those! We were sooooo close!
Michelle: Typical of you, Elaine. Maybe you were saving them for a rainy day?
Elaine: Oh, mee-ow, you bitch! You've had it in for me ever since we started, haven't you? I'll take you on, I'm not afraid of you!
Michelle: Let's go then, bitch!
<Terry tells Trish to pull over and Elaine and Michelle throw down! Hair is pulled, jumpsuits are revealingly ripped, and shouting fills the air! It's a catfight!>
#2135
Poopie, I screwed up my title. :o( <nt>
Date: 05/06/2002
From: AngelsVanODeath
#2136
Nick: Lisa!!!
Date: 05/07/2002
From: MickeyTheGardener
(Woops...forgot about those two)
Stop hitting on everybody!!!
Lisa: What the hell are you talking about? I just paid for my drink!
Nick: Oh...
Lisa: Geez, Nick...you are so paranoid sometimes. (Whispers to Rick) I had such a good time last night!
Nick: What was that? I heard that!!!
Lisa: I was *drinking* last night. Duh!! Rick here makes some of the best drinks ever!
Rick: It was my pleasure, sweetheart.
Nick: Oh that's it, drink boy!
Rick: Hu..(Nick punches him)
Rick: Awch! Fat wass mie jaw!!!
Nick: Serves you right! Just try to open your mouth again!
Lisa: Nick! You are such a jerk!
Nick: (Starts to cry) I'm sorry it's just *sniff* stuff like this happens *sniff* and my manly emotions take over, and...
Lisa: What the hell did you say? Manly emotions!!! (Starts cracking up laughing)
Nick: But *sniff*
Lisa: Hey, everybody! Check out this manly man and his emotions!!!
(The bar erupts with the sound of laughter)
Lisa: Wow! And I was going to give this place a half a star...I take it back!! The entertainment here is great!!!
PM: You're lucky. You were almost out of a job.
Buffalo: Ah fink he's gettin better
PM: Skully!!! Where are you?
Buffalo: Maybe not
Lisa: The drinks still stink though. (Leaves)
Nick: Hey wait a minute...
Mickey T. Gardener
Bboard Nice Guy
President of the I Hate Dawn Club
Post Narc x3
Who says I can't finish a plot line? OK, who said that in the last ten minutes?
#2137
Just for Tork and Mickey...
Date: 05/08/2002
From: Carmelita9000
...........................................................
I just found out that Tork and Mickey haven't read the Evil Overlord List that PM referred to a really long time ago in this rp! I felt sorry for them, so I said I'd find it for them and let them read it. Tork said that wasn't good enough. He yelled at me and made me cry and demanded that I post the list here. I think he called me a bitch too. Anyway, here's the list, just for Mickey and Tork! But I guess you can read it if you're not Mickey and Tork too...
Enjoy!
Lita
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Hamburglar Club
Vice Prez of the Draco Malfoy Fan Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Dawn Club
PM breaks so many of these... Tee-hee!
***********************************************************
Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. With that in mind, allow me to present...
The Top 100 Things I'd Do
If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord
(by Peter Anspach)
1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."
8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.
10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
65. If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.
73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."
86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
89. After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.
98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
This Evil Overlord List is Copyright 1996-1997 by Peter Anspach. If you enjoy it, feel free to pass it along or post it anywhere, provided that (1) it is not altered in any way, and (2) this copyright notice is attached.
#2138
I didn't read it.
Date: 05/08/2002
From: wurwolf
But I agree that Mickey and Torrk are super mean! Pleh!
wurwolf
Bonhead #3
fs!!
Actually, I did read it. Funny!
#2139
Nu uh!!!!
Date: 05/08/2002
From: MickeyTheGardener
Tork was the mean one!!! He was all like "I'm going to set Cow on fire if you don't give me that list" and he was trying to steal the Bitch Crown for Sunday! I was too busy trying to save Lita from Tork's insanity!
Mickey T. Gardener
Bboard Nice Guy
President of the I Hate Dawn club
Post Narc x3
Torkiness!
#2140
You bet I'm mean!
Date: 05/08/2002
From: Tork_110
I am the meanest! MEAN!!!!!
Sunday and I are going to be the next Lita and EM.
#2141
Noooooooo!!!!!
Date: 05/08/2002
From: wurwolf
There can never be another Lita and Evil Mike!!!!
Oh wait, maybe there can. Carry on.
wurwolf
Bonhead #3
fs!!
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